Entry 19911023 - Stephanie Ann Adams

_October 23, 1991, Milford, Ohio_


I'd actually like to speak to Stephanie alone for the rest of this time," Doctor Mercer said. "Do you mind?"

"Not at all," Steve replied. "I'll go to the waiting room."

"Thanks."

He got up and left the office, closing the door behind him. Doctor Mercer took a few sips of water from her glass, got up from her chair, retrieved a new, unused notebook from her credenza, wrote the date and Stephanie's name on the cover, and then, having collected her senses enough to begin, sat back down.

"Stephanie, I want you to be completely honest with me, and tell me the truth. I promise nothing you say will ever be revealed, with the exception of talking to your brother. If I need advice, I'll never reveal your names or anything else that might give away your identity. Can you promise to tell me the truth?"

"Yes," Stephanie said firmly.

"Good. When did you have your first thoughts about your brother in a way that might be considered sexual?"

"Just as I said before - when I was seven."

"And that's when you discovered the mechanics of sex, right?"

"Well, I kind of knew before, because I'd seen babies and something in my brain said 'boys go out, girls go in', but nothing more than that. And I knew you needed a man and a woman to make a baby because that's what people said and because everyone I knew had a mom and a dad. The book just confirmed how things went together. Well, and explained about the physiology of intercourse and conception."

"Prior to reading the book, did you have any thoughts about it? I mean beyond what I would call typical for a pre-pubescent?"

"Not really."

"What was your relationship with your parents like at that point?"

"Mom was already showing a lot of her bitchy personality, mostly to Steve. I felt bad for him. Dad was always cold and distant. He'd let me hug him, but I don't recall him even hugging or kissing my mom all that much, at least in front of the kids. I think, from everything I've read, he was very much the 1940s and 1950s dad in that regard. And it makes sense, given his age."

"Yes, it does," Fran agreed. "What about your relationship with your older brothers?"

"Well, the Pervert and I never really did much together and I more or less ignored him."

"It would be better if you called him by his name, please. It's Jeff, right?"

"The Perv is named Jeff, yes," Stephanie replied.

"And Steve?"

"We always got along really well. I remember being around him a lot. There's a picture, and I don't remember this, but there's a picture of me swaddled in a blanket in the back of his metal Tonka dump truck. It was his prized possession, and seeing that picture told me how much he loved me."

"Did you two hug or kiss?"

"No. Our family wasn't huggy at all. It wasn't just Mom and Dad."

"Do you remember the first time you hugged your brother or that he hugged you?"

"Probably around the time I was eight, I hugged him."

"And how did you feel?"

"Loved."

"Was that before or after you read the book?"

"After."

"Who gave you the book?"

"Nobody, really. Mom bought a set of books for Steve and they were kept in the common book closet in the hallway. I saw them and took them down."

"There was more than one?"

"It was a four volume set in a cardboard box, with the first two volumes covering puberty; one for boys and one for girls. I read both. The third volume was about the basic mechanics of sex, birth control, and VD. The fourth was about pregnancy and childbirth. I read both of those, too."

"Did you talk with anyone about those books?"

"My friends Trish and Shelly. I showed them the books, and we talked about it. There was a lot of giggling."

"Not uncommon at that age. You didn't talk with your parents?"

"No. I'm pretty sure my parents never talked to any of us about sex. Mom just bought the books for Steve."

"He put them on the shelf?"

"I suppose, but any books that Mom bought were required to be with the shared books. The only books Steve had in his room were ones he bought with his allowance. It was like the computer that Mom insisted Steve couldn't keep in his room even though nobody else used it. Well, the Per...Jeff tried to, but couldn't make it work and only used it to try to annoy Steve."

"Did you talk with Steve about the books?"

Stephanie shook her head, "No."

"Even with you said how they made you feel?"

"I wasn't sure what he would say and I was afraid he'd reject me. I was so sure that we were supposed to be together and I didn't want to mess it up by being a little girl."

"What did you think would happen?"

"I wasn't sure."

"What did you want to happen?"

"What I said - that Steve was the person I wanted to make love to. I was positive our bodies were made for each other."

"At seven?"

"I knew the mechanics, and how they fit together. I knew I loved him. I knew he loved me."

"Did you tell anyone how you felt?"

Stephanie shook her head, "Not then. Not for a long time, really."

"So Steve didn't know then?"

"He didn't know until Jennifer and Melanie told him when we was fourteen."

"Did you tell them?"

"No. But I guess they saw what was happening, even if Steve didn't. He was pretty clueless then. I pursued him like a lioness after a zebra, but he never saw it until the girls told him about it."

"You said you wanted to be his first."

"I did, and if I'd been even two years older, I might have succeeded. But at twelve, he wasn't interested in me that way."

"And what do you think would have happened?"

"We'd have eventually run away and pretended to be married. After all, we'd have the same last name, so our IDs would have been good. Nobody would need to know we were brother and sister."

"Kids?"

"Of course. And we'd have lived happily ever after. But it didn't work out that way."

"You said he wasn't interested you at twelve. How do you know?"

"He told me. When I pushed him to be with me, he said we had to wait at least until I got my period. And then, later, when I pushed after getting my period, he said we had to wait until I developed and looked like a woman."

"So, when the girls told him, he was OK with it?"

"No. He actually totally freaked out, at least according to Jennifer and Melanie. But I guess, in the end, the combination of Birgit dying, our mom being a total bitch, and my relentless pursuit, he decided it was possible. At that point, he was more or less putty in my hands. When he came home from Sweden and I was developed, I knew I had him. Then it was just a matter of when."

"So, after that first hug, who initiated the hugs?"

"Me, almost always, until he came back from Sweden."

"What did you two do together?"

"We swam every morning and he often made me breakfast. And sometimes I hung out with him and his friends."

"Did he ask you to swim with him?"

"No, that was my idea."

"And breakfast?"

"His. Dad ate with us pretty often; Mom almost never did. She and my other brother were inseparable."

"How did you feel when you discovered your brother wasn't a virgin?"

"Horrible. But I knew how much he cared for Birgit, and how gorgeous she was, and how much she looked like a woman when I was still ten or eleven."

"You knew he was sexually active from that point?"

Stephanie laughed, "Once Melanie got her hooks into him, he became the school sex god!"

"I'm not sure that's a positive thing," Doctor Mercer replied dryly.

"Oh, right," Stephanie smirked. "Teenage boy has an unlimited supply of pussy. And all from gorgeous girls. Tell me how that's bad for HIM!"

"It was, but that's not the point of our chat. How did that make you feel?"

"I suppose it was a mixture of jealousy and desire. I was sure he was going to blow my mind when I finally got him into my bed."

"Why wait so long after he came home from Sweden?"

Stephanie took a deep breath and let it out, "Becky the Bitch."

Doctor Mercer was aware of everything that had happened with Steve, Becky, and Kara, but she couldn't reveal that without permission from Steve.

"What happened?"

"My idiot brother went full 'dumb boy' and cheated on Kara with Becky. I'm guessing you at least know who she is because of the pregnancy and abortion, and how my idiot brother couldn't break his attraction to her."

"And that caused a rift between you and Steve?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Jennifer. I was positive at that point he and I couldn't run away together, but I was sure he'd marry Jennifer, even though she'd moved away. And if he married Jennifer..."

"You wanted that to happen. Why?"

"You know how he's married to Jessica and Kara, right?"

"Yes."

"That."

Doctor Mercer took off her glasses and pinched her nose. She could feel a tension headache coming on and decided to proactively take some aspirin. She got up and retrieved the bottle of Anacin she kept in her upper-left desk drawer, got two tablets from the bottle, and swallowed them with a drink of water. She sat back down and put her glasses back on her face.

"Did either of them know you wanted that?"

Stephanie nodded, "Yes. We had a threesome."

"You what?!" Doctor Mercer gasped.

"Had a threesome. Jennifer and I made love with Steve, and to each other."

"When was this?"

"The summer after Steve graduated, but before he moved to Chicago. Jennifer came to visit after I invited Karin to visit because I was afraid my idiot brother was going to marry Kara."

"You keep calling him an idiot. Why?"

Stephanie laughed, "Because he is! Well, when he doesn't do what I think he should do. But I'm not the only one who calls him a 'dumb boy' - all the girls do, in one fashion or another."

"This threesome..."

"My idea. I wanted it. I felt it was a way to ensure Steve and Jennifer married, which would mean I could have both her and him."

"You wanted Jennifer?"

"Yes. And she wanted me. She hadn't figured out she was a lesbian at that point, but I knew. It was obvious that she loved my brother, but I knew that she was always going to need a girl. I realized I could be that girl. Well, I thought I could. You know how it worked out."

"So, what happened with Becky?"

Doctor Mercer actually knew part of the answer, but suspected she was going to find out that the situation was FAR more complex than she'd thought when she'd talked to Steve about it.

"Steve confessed to Kara, who forgave him. He confessed to me and I slapped him hard across the face and told him I'd never let him touch me. That's when the Triumvirate formed. That's been a pattern through Steve's life. There have always been three girls who were close to him, loved him, made love with him, and helped him navigate life. That was Kara, Bethany, and me. We were all royally pissed at him, and Jennifer was beside herself, but she was in Seattle at that point."

"So what happened next?"

"Steve worked on restoring his relationships with all the girls. He did a good job, and I was pleased, though I never let on. He was like a brother then, but we did discuss what I wanted. And he simply let me take my time to decide. He treated me like a princess, but he didn't make any moves. I made the moves."

"Your threat, I guess we'll call it. Was it real?"

Stephanie shook her head, "No. I just wanted him to understand how badly he'd screwed up with Becky."

"You decided the day and time?"

"And what we'd do. Like I said, he was putty in my hands. I'd done my best to tease him to make sure he'd do what I wanted."

"How?"

"Just little things - words I'd say, things I'd do. But he was adamant about never seeing me naked until that day we first made love. I wanted him to see me naked, but he refused."

"Had you seen him?"

"Yes, a few times, including when I spied on him and a girl making love."

"You watched him?"

"Yes. And I saw everything."

"Does he know?"

"Now? Yes. But not when it happened."

"Where were they?"

"In my parents' bed. Steve had closed and locked the door, and drawn the blinds on the window that overlooked the indoor pool, but you could see through a gap between the blind and the sill. He didn't realize until I told him. After that, he was careful to make sure the blind was actually below the sill."

"You tried to spy on him again?"

"Yes, and tried to see him naked whenever I could."

"But he didn't see you until that day?"

"Correct."

"Did anyone try to talk you out of it?"

"Steve, at first, but he never was able to refuse me anything. Bethany, but I convinced her that I was the one pursuing the relationship and that Steve hadn't lifted a finger or said a thing to encourage me."

"Are you covering for him in any way?"

"No!" Stephanie said firmly. "I was the one who wanted it and manipulated him into doing it."

"And now? Are you manipulating him?"

"No."

"But you said, earlier, that deep inside you still wanted him to be your lover. In fact, your husband and to father children with you."

Stephanie let out a deep sigh, "Which is why I'm here. I know it can't happen, and well, Ed is insisting I get treatment."

"You want to be with him?"

"If we exclude my brother, Ed was my first boyfriend."

"Have there been others?"

"Nobody who lasted."

"How many lovers have you had?"

"Sixteen."

"Including Ed and your brother?"

"Yes. And Jennifer. And there are some who I kind of messed around with but wouldn't call them lovers. Making out, I guess."

"But your very first intimate experiences were all with your brother?"

"Yes. We did literally everything. And nobody else could compare."

"Would you say that's why you've had so many lovers?" Doctor Mercer asked.

"Probably."

"What's different about Ed?"

"I suppose it's that he won't give up. I mean, I really like him, but he's never, ever let me push him away without fighting back."

"And he knows the details?"

"Yes."

"Has Steve ever forced you to do anything?"

"More like the other way around," Stephanie replied. "He tried to end it several times and I did whatever it took to get him back."

"And now?"

"As I said, I know it's impossible for Steve and me to be together the way I wanted."

"But you're still attracted to him?"

"Yes. But I don't think he's attracted to me."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Sad. Rejected."

"One last question, how did you feel the next day?"

"Sore!" Stephanie smirked. "I made him do it again and again even though I knew I'd pay for it the next day."

"I meant emotionally," Doctor Mercer replied, suppressing a sigh.

"Like I was on top of the world," Stephanie sighed longingly. "Everything was perfect."

Doctor Mercer made some notes in her notebook.

"I'm going to call your brother back in now."

"OK."

Doctor Mercer got up, went to the door, and invited Steve back into the office. Steve sat down on the couch, but not as close to Stephanie as he'd sat before. Doctor Mercer sat down, made a note in her notebook and then looked up.

"I need to think about this," she said, "mostly because of the distance. May I have a week?"

"Yes, of course," Steve replied.

"And do you have an issue with me talking about the ethical issues involved with someone I trust?"

"So long as you don't reveal who we are in any way, shape or form, I have no problem with that."

"Me either," Stephanie said.

"OK," Doctor Mercer replied. "I'll give you a call early next week. What number should I use?"

"My cellular phone," Steve said. "Let me give you the number."

He asked for a piece of paper and wrote down the cellular number and then handed the paper to Doctor Mercer.

"Thanks," Steve said. "I appreciate you listening and I'm sorry we dropped this bomb on you today."

"I suppose I'm the only person to whom the two of you could have confessed. As I said, let me think about it."

"Of course," Steve replied. "Thanks."

"Thanks, Doctor Mercer," Stephanie added.

"You're welcome. I'll be in touch."

Steve and Stephanie left the office, closing the door behind them. Doctor Mercer went back to her desk and gathered her thoughts, jotting down notes in her notebook. There was so much to unpack and the distance made counseling difficult, but the thing she'd said to Steve was absolutely true - she was probably the only one they could come to, and the only one who could help them. More thought was necessary, as well as a conversation with Laura, but most likely, she'd accept them as patients. Well, accept Stephanie, as Steve was already a patient and had been for nearly fifteen years.

There was one thing, though, that was truly nagging her, and that was Bethany's involvement. It had been one thing when Bethany had written about this relationship as a researcher, it was a VERY different thing now that Bethany was clearly involved and had known about it while it was ongoing. That warranted a conversation, one which Fran did not relish. She'd broach the topic when she met Bethany for lunch, but it was unlikely to be a short conversation. The phone on her desk buzzed, interrupting her thoughts.

"Yes?" she said.

"Your next appointment is here."

"Thanks."