(The Ballad resumed a few months after the MSPA Forum crash, on another BBS forum called Eagle Time.) "Ahem," SALV Chesswick coughed imperiously. "I have important business mit der Hand of der King. Vhatever floozie type schtuff you are up to can vait until after." "Shove off, vixen," Mara sneered. "I had dibs on him first, and he promised me." 0827watchit "I varn you, opossum," SALV Chesswick snarled. "You are hamperink der movements of ein representative of der Vulpitanian Republic! Do you even know who you are messink mit? If you continue mit der insolence, zen I vill not hesitate to giff you der back of mine handt!" "I'd like to see you try it," Mara growled back. "You wanna see which of us is more Unseelie? Bring it on, tough girl." "Both of you cut it out," I grumbled. "I won't have a Diplomatic Incident break out in my office. For Fuma's sakes! All the things I have to deal with .. I really need a vacation." "Not til I get my reward!" Mara insisted. "Not til I get mine reqvisition!" the SALV demanded. "I'm going to have to take care of the Ambassador's business first," I told Mara. "WHY??" she inquired angrily. "That's not fair!" "Do you want to do that right in front of her?" I asked. "WHY NOT?" Mara demanded, skeptically. "Well, I don't want her to see it," I insisted, then added in a whisper, "It's a secret." "Oh fine then," Mara grumped. "But don't take too long." 0827roughshape I put on my Hand hat since this was Official Business, and opened the desk drawer to get the forms. A puff of smoke came rolling out. "That's not a good sign," I muttered. The Scuti on the desk coughed and whimpered quietly. "Zat Scuti is in rough shape," the Ambassador observed. "Mitout ein host it vill probably die soon." I was secretly a bit pleased that my daughters were able to defend themselves so effectively against the horrible tail-parasite .. but then again, it demonstrated rather disturbingly how powerful the Ixies were, especially in numbers. A whole swarm of them might be very dangerous. I also realized, with a twinge of worry, that the loss of Alice Chetsweek's friend-mate would probably put an end to any alliance we might have been able to form. "I guess you know a few things about these creatures," I theorized, as I rummaged in the drawer. "I am not sure I like your insinuation," SALV Chesswick sniffed. "Have you found der forms yet?" "Yeah, hurry up," Mara added. "I'm afraid the forms are all charred to ash," I informed them. "You'd better not me givink me der Bureaucratic Runaroundt," the Ambassador remarked tartly. "Ve Vulpitanians INVENTED der Bureaucratic Runaroundt. It is ein cheap trick und I vill not fall for it." "No, no, not at all," I reassured her. "The forms are actually burned up .. but fret not. Here, take this clipboard and write out a detailed description of the item you wish to requisition, along with its location if you know where it is being held. And would you mind going out in the hall while you do that? I need to, er, provide some compensation for my underling here." "Disgustink," the SALV snarled as she took the clipboard from me and strode out the door. "I vill be just outside, so no sneakink avay or anyting like zat." "I promise we will remain right here in this office til you return," I promised. 0827orgtouch Mara emitted an inarticulate moan of pleasure as I applied the [i]Orgasmic Touch[/i]. With a satisfied sigh she slowly sank to the floor, where she curled up on her side and immediately fell asleep. I felt horrible about what I had to do next, but I could see no other option. 0827redeploy I carefully picked up the injured Scuti from the desk and knelt next to Mara. I located the tail hole in her dress and .. steeling my nerves, I thrust the Scuti's head into the opening. The animal squirmed nauseatingly for a second or two, and then seemed to latch on. Mara sighed quietly and kept on sleeping. I jumped up nervously as SALV Chesswick stepped back into the room. "I don't zink I vant to know vhat you vere doink," she muttered suspiciously. "Here is mine reqvisition reqvest. I zink you vill find it is in order." I glanced over it. "Oh," I said reluctantly. "I'm afraid I can't release the body of Alice Chetsweeks." 0827snarly "ZAT IS VULPITANIAN PROPERTY UND YOU VILL HAND IT OVER IMMEDIATELY!" the Ambassador barked. "It is a Vulpitanian defector who has applied for political asylum," I countered. "It is ein mechanical device, vhich is not hers to keep!" SALV Chesswick growled. "If der Scuti vants to betray us, fine, so be it, but she does not get to keep der VERY EXPENSIVE vehicle built for her by der state!" "Are you prepared to admit then, that the Republic has built a lifelike automaton?" I asked, leadingly. "A type of mechano-thaumaturgy which was prohibited in a decree issued by my grandfather, King Adler the Prudent?" "Der mech body is not autonomous, und does not violate der letter of der statute," the SALV snapped. "Kindly do not be schtupid enough to try to finagle der law mit ein Vulpitanian. Just HANDT OVER VHAT BELONKS TO US, OR ELSE!" I'm not sure what came over me, but suddenly I had had enough of this. And I knew how to make it stop. 0827zapsalv "I'll thank you to moderate your tone when addressing me," I muttered quietly as I reached up and applied [i]Orgasmic Touch[/i] to Ambassador Chesswick. "Ach du lieber," she gasped as she tottered, swooning. I reached out and caught her under the arm, so she wouldn't fall and hurt herself. 0827intrude "Oh my," Sergeant Avogadro exclaimed from the doorway as he surveyed the scene. "You certainly are a descendant of Sartorius, and your brother's brother, aren't you, Your Highness? Should I come back later?" "Fuma in Himmel," SALV Chesswick sighed sleepily. "Zat vas WUNDERBAR!" ******************** "This isn't what it seems," I stammered nervously. "Really?" Avogadro questioned. "It seems that you must have used some sort of arcane Irenaeid mojo to subdue and/or seduce two potentially dangerous Unseelie femmes." "Oh. Well, I suppose this could be what it seems, then," I acknowledged. "Could you maybe not mention this to anyone?" "I vill keep your secret only if you agree to use it on me again," SALV Chesswick whispered dreamily. 0903qvitenice I looked closely at the Ambassador as she raised her head and regarded me with a blissfully scheming expression. Hmm. I realized that without the monocle, she would actually be quite pretty ... "I vill reqvire regular treatments," she explained with a sly grin. "Und you vill accommodate me, if you do not vish it published abroad zat you know der forbidden Viles und Bodymagick techniques of Desiderata. In fact, I zink it vould be best if you came mit me back to mine office, zo ve can discuss der matter in furzer detail." Uh-oh. This was not good. I thought back over my Wiles training. Sheila na Gig never mentioned the Orgasmic Touch having such a spellbinding, addictive effect. Then again, she never recommended using it as a weapon in circumstances like these. I must have done something wrong. Blast it! Instead of solving my problem, I only changed its nature - possibly even made it worse! Back in the old days of Irenaeus' reign, I could have simply ordered the execution of anyone who inconvenienced me, but now of course that wouldn't do. Elves had become too scarce to sacrifice wantonly, and besides; we needed to maintain diplomatic ties to Vulpitania. I kept reminding myself that the two thaumaturgists, Nidab and Semos, were here at the personal invitation of the King. 0903handsoff While I was quickly wracking my mind for a way out of the SALV's clutches, and just about to decide on another application of the [i]Touch[/i], suddenly Mara Supial stirred and sat up. "HEY!" she yelled, upon seeing the Ambassador and me in each other's arms. "Hands off my Prince, you hussy!" "You vant a piece of zis?" SALV Chesswick replied menacingly. "A piece? I'll take ALL of it, vixen," Mara growled. "Bring it on." With a snort and a loud gekker, the Ambassador let go of me and lunged toward the opossum. 0903amscray I quickly darted away from the scuffling femmes and shooed Sergeant Avogadro out the door into the hall. "Trust me, you don't want to see this," I murmured urgently. "Oh, I don't know, Your Highness," he replied. "It does have certain academic interest. A military elf can benefit from studying combat in all its forms..." "OUT, Sergeant," I ordered. "Deliver your report in the corridor. What's this that you've found?" "Oh, yes, it's a false white skunk tail, very similar to the one I wore as part of my disguise earlier." "Not the same one?" I asked, confused. "It could be," Avogadro theorized. "I found it on the floor near the spot where the 'assassination' attempt took place." "I'm going to use psychometry on it," I declared. "Keep watch and don't let anyone interrupt me." 0903thequeen I held the tail and went into a visionary trance. I got a quick glimpse of Queen Edessa, brandishing a dagger and stepping on the tail - and then, nothing. "It was the Queen!" I exclaimed, still partly in a daze . 0903ixreport "Yes, that is what I meant to tell thee, Sire, before that vile Tailipo interrupted," an Ixie declared as I came out of my trance. "Minister Lynne learned that Her Majesty hath contracted Ixies to spy on thee, and wished me to inform thee of this immediately!" "Uh ..." I replied intelligently. ELSEWHERE: 0903boredsalv "Fuma have mercy!" SALV Silverbrush sighed as she stared glumly into the scrying orb. "I am getting totally #sick_of_watching these guards poke @ teh Scuti jar. When is Auntie Alberta coming back? Its been like, WAY 2 long! Something must've happened to her! This waiting is teh pits; I'm going out & do something." SALV Silverbrush carefully set the orb down in a nearby Scrying Stand, and scurried upstairs, out of the Vulpitanian Embassy. 0903reunion "YIKES!" SALV Sliverbrush yelped as she came to sudden halt outside. "Cushlamochree!" Estvan called. "Sure and there's me bonnie wee lass. Come here and greet yer papa, macushla!" "Hi there, Sofie," Yolanda chirped in motherly fashion. "Oooh, don't you look CUTE in your little uniform! So grown-up and dignified! Doesn't your sister look cute, Boo-Boo?" ******************** 0912silverbrushes "Look what I've got for ye, macushla," Estvan cackled at his daughter. "Sure, and it's an adorable wee trident! Take good care of it now, and when yer older, sure, I'll get you yer very own shillelagh, just like yer papa's!" "Sofie's uniform is dumb," the other fox kit grumbled sulkily. "BORIS BEAUREGARD SILVERBRUSH!!" Yolanda snapped. "That's not a nice thing to say!" "It's the truth," Boris grumped. "You apologize this instant!" 0912shepooked "Cushlamochree!" Estvan exclaimed, as the young SALV suddenly vanished. "Sure and I couldn't pook yet, at that age! Our little Sofia is a prodigy!" "Where did she go, Boo-Boo?" Yolanda inquired. Boris sighed and pointed toward where his sister was. ------ 0912inform "So let me get this straight," I finally managed to say. "You and your sisters have been spying on me for the Queen, and you didn't think this was maybe something you should have told me about?" "Client confidentiality was a concern, Sire," the Ixie explained. "We collect information for a lot of people." "Doesn't family loyalty override that?" I demanded. "It was considered, but our ethical decision was that it did not," the Ixie shrugged. "This assignment did not seem to place thee in any danger." "Oh, but now that I've been attacked -" "FAKE attacked, Sire. Twas not thee, and furthermore twas not even a real dagger." "She was wielding a real dagger in my psychometric vision off of that costume tail," I pointed out. "Nevertheless, we would not have told thee, had Minister Lynne not commanded us to." "Hey, thinking back on it .. I remember walking past Her Majesty just before I was attacked!" Avogadro interjected. "It had to have been her," I deduced. "But if she was holding a real dagger, why did she suddenly switch it for a fake one? Was it because she knew you weren't me? In that case, why attack at all? Maybe I should go talk to her." "I would advise against that, Sire," the Ixie warned. "Good point," I said, thinking out loud. "It wouldn't do to approach the Queen with bizarre accusations until I have more information. Tell your sisters to continue reporting to her. Don't let her find out that her cover is blown, but I want to be informed of her activities from now on. When the time comes .. hmm .. elves do not lie, but perhaps we can give her misleading information." "In the meantime, another idea occurs to me," I continued, as I leaned around the edge of my office doorway and peeked inside. 0912cautiouspeek Mara Supial and SALV Chesswick were lying in a tangle on the floor in front of my desk. Most of their clothing had been torn off and strewn about. Mara was unconscious, and the Ambassador seemed to be in a daze. "Fuma's Mercy!" Avogadro murmured as he leaned in behind me. "What happened to them?" "It looketh like the aftermath of an improperly done [i]Orgasmic Touch,[/i]" the Ixie theorized. "[i]Improperly?[/i]" I thought at her with Elfmind. "[i]Done correctly, the victim is put into a deep sleep and remembereth nothing of what happened,[/i]" she explained. "Okay then," I sighed. "Stop gawking, Sergeant. I'll take that costume tail and we'll go to YOUR office to plan our next move." I tucked the false tail into my Elfintory and we ambled down the hallway. -------------- A few minutes after we left, the silence in my office was broken by a small voice wailing "AUNTIE!??!! R U OK?" 0912forshame "Nossing to vorry about, liebchen," SALV Chesswick mumbled sleepily, as she replaced her monocle over her right eye. "I vas victorious in mine schtruggle mit zis Unzeelie miscreant." "As soon as UR [i]decent,[/i] U can tell me wut happened 2 U," SALV Silverbrush whined through gritted teeth. "Y U has lost UR dignity. And UR uniform." "I am still in mine uniform," the older SALV insisted. "Vell, der zecondary vone, anyvay. You see, vhat happened vas zis: Prince Adler -" "I HATE HIM!" the younger SALV barked furiously. ----------------- 0912eureka "AHA!" Rotnev Nidab exclaimed victoriously. "Our process is beginning to show positive results! I've managed to rewrite a deceased lowfolk swapling as an elf!" "The Old Crow?" Nexivydah asked curiously as she peered over Rotnev's shoulder at the tablet he was holding. "Who's that?" "Just some nobody I picked at random. The point is, this proves the process works! We're ready to test it in the opposite direction now!" "Excellent work, darling," Nexivydah purred. "I've prepared the Royal Materials. Shall we begin right away, or would you like to take a break for refreshment first?" ******************** 0920gekker "U would not believe teh day I've been having," SALV Silverbrush shrieked. "Our mechanical agent breaks down and U go AWOL; I go 2 find you and get totes accosted by a family of weirdos; then I discover U half-dressed & completely in thrall 2 our sworn enemy!" "Don't gekker at me, liebchen," SALV Chesswick scolded gently. "Remember I am still your Superior Officer. Und mine head is schplittink." "Bcause UR enthralled by teh Prince's sleazy MOJO!!1!" Sofia gekkered. "Oh, teh shame of it!" "I am not enthralled," the Ambassador protested. "Merely intrigued. Ve must return to der Embassy und re-evaluate our schtrategy." The two SALVs ambled out of the office. 0920shambler A few minutes later, Mara Supial grunted and heaved herself up onto her feet. Clutching her tattered dress about her, she shambled sleepily out of the office. "Aaalllliccce," she groaned. --------------- 0920wigs Arriving at Avogadro's office, I stumbled over several boxes and trunks, and knocked over a powdered wig on a stand. "Is this an office or a storage room?" I asked. "It's huge! And why so dark?" "The office, I am told, once belonged to one of King Gawain's Blood-Seal Bearers; a notorious master of disguise from all accounts," the Sergeant explained. "The Elf-light in here burned out a while ago and I never replaced it because .. honestly, I don't see very well and I can't find the burned-out sconce." "Why in the Netherhells did the former occupant leave all of his equipment here?" I wondered. "That, I could not tell you." "Well, no matter," I continued. "We need to come up with a plan of action. In the main Detention Center is a former Vulpitanian agent in the form of a Scuti which pilots an elaborate and lifelike mechanical vixen." "Remarkable!" Avogadro interjected. "Her mechanical body is malfunctioning," I pointed out. "However, if we can get it working, she has offered to tell me secret details of the Vulpitanians' plot." "That could be useful indeed," Avogadro mused. "We also know that Queen Edessa has been using the Ominous Orse to spy on me - for reasons as yet unknown - and has also attacked me .. well, [i]you[/i] disguised as me .. for reasons that are still more opaque." "It is puzzling," Avogadro agreed. "I'm tempted to send her a taunting message, but it may be unwise to play my hand so soon," I theorized. "I am in agreement," the Ixie interjected. "Never let thy opponent know how much thou knowest." "I want you and your sisters to carry on as normal; keep giving her the information she wants, but also report the Queen's activities to me," I ordered. "I want to know where she goes and who she talks to." ------------------ 0920vulplove Meanwhile, the two Vulpitanian thaumaturgists had paused to enjoy their supper. "I must commend the chef," Nexivydah remarked. "This sauce is exquisite." "Mmmm, it certainly is," Rotnev concurred, as he slurped up a noodle. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Oh Rotnev, darling, what about our work?" "It can wait a while," he purred, with a glint in his eye. 0920spyglass Meanwhile, on a nearby parapet, forgotten perhaps by the Vulpitanians but not by me, Meadow Grainmaster observed the two agents through a special reconnaissance gadget provided by the Grand Marshal. This was the latest piece of spy gadgetry, nearly undetectable because it used no magick! Meadow had been training in its use for weeks, and all that work was beginning to pay off. "Hmm," she pondered, scribbling notes on a tablet as she watched the Vulpitanians on their break. "Either he has made a mistake, or Rotnev Nidab is responsible for making the Old Crow an honorary elf in the past." **************************** "If these Vulpitanians made that change, how would we know they had done it?" Meadow mused. "As far as I can tell, the Old Crow was declared an honorary elf by King Adler the Prudent. Any changes made to history would be imperceptible as changes .. We would all think that's the way things had always been." 0927seriously "You've got to be kidding me," Meadow gasped as she stared through the spyglass and then peered incredulously around it. 0927jig "Tum tumm da dee da," Rotnev sang merrily. "I feel as giddy as a schoolkit!" "Oh Rotnev, darling!" Nexivydah giggled. "How long has it been since we danced? I'm much more elated by our thaumaturgical success than I thought I'd be!" ---------------- "Ixie, can you locate and re-ignite the elflight in this room?" I asked. "One step ahead of thee, Sire," she replied, buzzing into the shadows near the ceiling. 0927ixie2 "Oh dear," Avogadro murmured as the light came back on. "Now you can see how messy it is in here. I'll really be in for it if the Marshal ever stops by for an inspection!" "[i]Sire,[/i]" an Ixie thought at me with Elfmind. "Another one??" I exclaimed suspiciously. "What are you doing here?" "Lurking, mainly, and spying on thee for the Queen," she replied. "I also need to tell thee that the Vulpitanians have had their supper and will soon dance themselves into a stupor." "The special ingredients - ?" Avogadro deduced. "Yes. The Language of Flavors is a specialized branch of Body Magick," I explained. Turning to the Ixie, I ordered her: "Go and report to the Queen now. She can know where I am but I'd prefer to make the next few minutes' worth of plans in private." She saluted and buzzed away. "Perhaps you could use one of these disguises to conceal yourself from Her Majesty's spies," Avogadro offered helpfully, opening one of the large trunks strewn about the office. 0927disguise "Umm," I said, examining some of the garments in the trunk. "These are all just a bit too .. lacy and feminine for me." "I think thou wouldst look quite fetching in that, Sire," the first Ixie remarked with a giggle. "There is a sailor costume, complete with eye patch and parrot," Avogadro pointed out. "Forget it," I snapped. "Who's going to fall for that one? A sailor walking around in Government buildings doesn't make any sense." "Well, what shall we do now?" Avogadro asked. "While we wait for the visiting SALVs to wear themselves out, perhaps we should look into re-activating Alice Chetsweeks," I decided. "I believe she is of Elfhamian manufacture. I wonder if there's any way we can contact an Elfhame engineer?" "There's one of those Elfhamian roebucks here in Albric Tor," Avogadro exclaimed. "He does design and maintenance on the King's mechanical, er, amusements." "Like that crazy Hoffmann cycle thingy?" I asked. "Among others." 0927fileclerk We made our way quickly to the office of Glencoe Redbough, Royal Magineer, but his secretary mournfully informed us that Master Glencoe was out on a service call at the moment. "When will he be back?" I asked. "Sometime, but he still won't be available. See this pile of work orders? He's swamped. Backlogged for weeks. We need more help here, but with the Gaps blocking the roads, and the Tithe Barn under-filled, Elfhame won't be sending anyone any time soon. You can fill out a work request and I'll add it to the pile, and Master Glencoe will eventually get around to it, maybe next month." "I can't wait a month!" I exclaimed. "I need a mechanical vixen restored to functionality TODAY!" "Did you say mechanical vixen?" the secretary asked, suspiciously. "The prosthetic body of a Scuti going by the name of SALV Alice Chetsweeks," I explained. "That's a confidential Vulpitanian account, and the firm of Redbough & Son cannot release information regarding .." the secretary began. I pulled out my Hand hat and put it on. "OFFICIAL Imperial Business," I declared. "Give me whatever documentation you've got on this, because I need to get SALV Chetsweeks working again as soon as possible." "Have you tried turning her on and off?" "I don't know how to do that," I explained. "Well .." the secretary turned towards a huge filing cabinet and pulled out a drawer. "Because SALV Chetsweeks is normally installed at the Vulpitanian Embassy, we do keep a spare manual and Diagnostic Tool .. the foxes have a tendency to lose track of things like this. I really shouldn't be handing this over to you, but .. well, if it's OFFICIAL Imperial Business .. just bring this back when you're done." He pulled a medium-sized box out of the drawer and pushed it across his desk toward me. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to parsing these work orders. Any time I can save Master Glencoe on a call is silver in the bank." I handed the box to Avogadro and we hurried out of the Magineer's office. Arriving at the Detention Center, I asked the guards to wait outside the door. SALV Chetsweeks' Scuti was sulking angrily inside a large glass jar, but seemed to be unhurt. 0927rtfm.gif Avogadro opened the box and pulled out a bizarre-looking implement, which he handed to me. Then he extracted a large, floppy codex which he opened to the table of contents. "I'm afraid I can't read this," he sighed, squinting at the page. "Is that Elfhamian?" I asked. "I don't .. hmm. It looks a little bit like Old High Elvish." "Can you read Old High Elvish?" Avogadro asked, awestruck. "Just a little. I studied Gramarye when I was an elflet. Let's see ... 'Congratulations on your purchase of Special Automatonic Lifelike Vixen. To more perfectly manage the using of it, please read you a chapter of this firstly: Quickly Starting Guide, parts one through ending' ... no, let me see ... 'The turning of it on,' that might be useful ... oh hey, 'trouble archery!' Something about arrows and trouble, I think, is what Alice said had to be done to her the last time her body malfunctioned. Turn to section Thorn-35." The manual was difficult to decipher, but as best I could tell, the bizarre looking tool was some sort of diagnostic doohickey which was to be plugged into the slot where the Scuti pilot went. Presumably this probe would then give us information about the problem, which we could then look up in further detail in the manual. 0927wait I rolled Alice's body over, and was steeling my nerves to insert the probe, when suddenly Mara Supial burst in, yelling "WAIT!" "How did you get past the guards?" I asked. --------------------- 0927hudalaleigh "IT'S THEM!" Sofia squealed. "Hudalaleigh!" Estvan exclaimed, pointing at Ambassador Chesswick. "Sure, and now THERE'S a cute and grown-up lookin' uniform!" "Oh yeah?" Yolanda snorted. "I suppose you'd like it if I dressed like that!" "One way to find out, macushla," Estvan chuckled. "How can you say such things right in front of the children?" Yolanda barked indignantly. ************************** "Wait?" I demanded. "Why wait? I need to get this contraption up and running as soon as possible." "The probe shoves everything around," Mara explained. "So the control port has to be re-adjusted to fit. Plus it makes everything taste funny for DAYS. This is what she's told me." 1004kissycoo "There's my widdle fluffy-wuffykins," Mara squealed, spotting the fox-scuti inside its jar. She quickly unscrewed the lid and pulled out the bushy orange creature, stroking it and nuzzling its fur. "Are you okay, sweetie? Did they treat you all right? I've missed you so ..." "AHEM," I interrupted. "I still need to get this automaton functioning, and I'd be willing to wager that the slight inconvenience of an ill-fitting, bad-tasting control socket will be outweighed by the major inconvenience of not having a body." "Let me try something first," Mara insisted. "I know how to turn her on." The opossum knelt and stuck her finger in the vixen's ear. Nothing happened. "Okay, use the probe," she sighed. 1004bing I plugged the device into the socket at the base of the automaton's spine, and her eyes suddenly opened and she emitted a soft chime. The probe buzzed and ejected a small slip of parchment. Matching the code on the parchment with the Trouble Archery Table in the manual, I was able to determine that the source of the problem was either a burned-out Discombobulator Array, or a misaligned Veeblefetzer. Checking the corresponding diagrams, I decided to try the Veeblefetzer first, since it looked simpler to deal with. It was accessible through a panel near the vixen's left elbow. "Absolutely amazing!" Avogadro whispered in awe as he peered over my shoulder at the tiny cogs and pistons. Mara pulled a tool set out of SALV Chetsweeks' mecha-elfintory, and I used the tiny screwdrivers and a pair of tweezers to re-seat the Veeblefetzer in its socket. I closed the hatch, and the automaton emitted another chime. "Let's see if that fixed it," I suggested. I removed the probe, and Mara placed the fox-scuti near the control socket. It wriggled nauseatingly into place, and a few seconds later the automaton sat up. 1004alicetells "YECCH," SALV Chetsweeks exclaimed glumly. "Everything's going to taste like oil for the rest of the week, and the handrails are in the wrong place ... but thank you for getting me operational again. And I see you've restored my friend-mate to a mostly normal state. I am grateful, Your Highness." "Can you stand up?" I asked. "Alas, no. I think the Discombobulator Array is defective and will have to be replaced." "Well, where can we get one?" "There is a Maintenance Supply Crate in my quarters at the Embassy," Alice explained. "It contains many replacement parts. Unfortunately, my current status as a Vulpitanian Defector will make it difficult to access. The one-wheeled bicycle in the palace's Hoffmann Suite has a Discombobulator Array which should be compatible, since the cycle was a gift from Vulpitania and is probably wired to the same standards. Obviously you could take me to Glencoe Redbough; he would be able to repair me." "Hmm," I mused. "I don't think it would be wise to remove parts from the Hoffmann Cycle. I might be able to infiltrate the Vulpitanian Embassy in disguise. Redbough could fix you, but not right away, and we can't wait a month. The visiting SALVs are moving ahead with their experiment!" "I'd better tell you about that then, while I can," SALV Chetsweeks urged. "Due to an imprecisely worded contract, Nidab and Semos are authorised to produce a [i]sire[/i] as well as a posterity for King Estmere, based upon the fertility research of Egdelwon Klive." "The fox who designed the Ferifax Arch!" I interrupted. "The same. Part of his theory assumed that lowfolk's physical vigor was a key to fertility, but the hidden purpose of the Arch was to discredit the Imperial dynasty by stripping away their Elfliness while at the same time having them openly support a project to strip away the Elfliness of high society elves. Estmere, since his mother had already undergone the Ferifax process, was part lowfolk already, and would have been reduced to complete lowfolk status had he passed through the Arch." "Good thing F.E.L.F. blew it up," I exclaimed. "That was done to prevent SALV Yolanda Chesswick .. er, what was her lowfolk name .. Cognomena - from passing through the arch." "Chesswick?" I asked. "Isn't that -?" "The Changeling currently married to Estvan Silverbrush is Ambassador Chesswick's younger sister. I was not entrusted with the details of this part of The Plan, but obviously Vulpitania needed Yolanda to remain pure Elf so she could give birth to the Silverbrush kits. The ultimate outcome of that remains to be seen." "I don't understand the implications of the visiting SALVs creating a sire for Estmere," I stated. "According to my brief, they plan to use an elaborate chronothaumaturgical technique in conjuntion with the Klive Engine to turn a random lowfolk swapling from the past into an Elf, then resolve the temporal imbalance by swapping Estmere into lowfolk status. They will also alter a single letter so that his father will be someone other than King Gawain. The outcome of all of this will be to absolutely undo his legitimacy, and undermine the Imperial Throne. But, on the bright side, as a lowfolk commoner he will be able to marry whomever he wishes." "But .. the point was supposed to be to help him produce Royal offspring with Queen Edessa!" I protested. "That's not what the contract says," Alice shrugged. "It was signed and sealed by Chief Cabinet Minister Lana Lynne herself." My eyes must have bulged hideously for a few seconds as the enormity of the plot sunk in. "There's more," Alice continued, with a sidelong glance at Mara. "You must never speak of this to anyone outside this room. There is something we know, but the thaumaturgists do not, which may enable you to save the Empire. We Scuti are of Royal Blood." "What in Fuma's name are you talking about?" I mumbled, aghast. "Scuti Prime, the Eldest and First of Our Kind, was King Irenaeus' own tail," Alice explained calmly. "When they were severed, Scuti Prime continued to live, due to Fuma's Holy Fire which flowed in the veins of the white-furred Conqueror. A combination of powerful magicks - and, according to legend, a dragon egg - granted Scuti Prime sapience. Later, unjustly cast out from Irenaeus' presence, he sought the prison tower of the exiled 'mad' Queen Aelfhilde, who consented to provide him a mate in the form of her own enchanted tail, and from this royal pair is our line descended." "But you're a fox tail," I protested weakly. "Love knows no boundaries of culture or species," Alice sighed wistfully. "When a Scuti's host engages in venery, the match will produce offspring - even if the partners are of different species. Chances are evenly distributed between the host, the Scuti, and the partner as to which species the child will be. If both partners are host to Scuti, then in addition to the hosts' offspring, there will also be Scuti eggs." "How does this -" I struggled. "If, perhaps, a skunk-tail Scuti were to possess Her Majesty Queen Edessa, then she and Estmere could have a child. Chances are two out of three the child would be a skunk, and it would be Imperial Royalty since we, too are descendants of Irenaeus." ************************ 1011gobsmax I stood there, reeling in dismay for what must have been an uncomfortably long time. It looked like the Sisterhood had laid its plans well, and with Vulpitanian help, was on the verge of "editing" Estmere right off the throne. It was so sinster, so underhanded, so UNSEELIE I felt almost sick .. but then again, one had to admire the elegance of it. Everything would fall into place, and I would become Emperor. I would be able to fix all of the mistakes, perhaps even The [i]Mistake,[/i] whatever it was. I could revitalize the realm and get rid of all these Gaps. I did some quick mental math. Considering my present age, plus the number of years Estmere was older than I, plus the twenty year time-slip when I fell through that Gap .. Estmere was about 60 years old now. Very young for an elf, but what about lowfolk? I was pretty sure they lived at least to 100, so if Estmere was turned into a lowfolk, he'd still have a few decades of good living left ... NO! This was wrong! Estmere was my brother, and he had always treated me well .. aside from all those times he slugged me when we were young, of course. I couldn't letthe Vulpitanians think they had won! And besides, if they could do this to Estmere, what was to stop them from turning on me next? I had to foil this plot before it could come to fruition. But if I stopped the SALVs there was still the question of Estmere's legacy. The King needed an heir, and if Alice's outrageous story was true, then introducing a Scuti into the Royal Bedchamber would do the trick. How to pull it off, though? I couldn't imagine either Estmere or Edessa agreeing voluntarily to let a Scuti ride them ... and could I trust the creatures to release their host after the deed was done? Mara's Scuti had already demonstrated an ambition to possess me; Their Majesties would be an even more tempting prize. I briefly pondered the idea of transmogrifying myself into a Scuti, but then had to shake off a sudden fit of disgust as I considered the subsequent ramifications of that plan. "So, the Free Elves' Liberation Front works for Vulpitania, then?" I said at last, settling on the least controversial element of all that Alice had told me. "It is an independent organization, but the Republic is sympathetic to its cause and takes a great deal of interest in its activities," Alice replied. 1011heyixie I removed my hat, since it didn't seem appropriate to be acting in an official capacity anymore. I looked around for one of my Ixies, and when I didn't see her I tried summoning one with Elfmind. There was no response. "Can you walk?" I asked Alice. "I'm afraid not," she sighed. "I won't be ambulatory until my Discombobulator Array is replaced." "I'll stay here and take care of her while you go get the part," Mara murmured. 1011guards With a shrug, I turned and peeked out the door of the Detention room. "HEY! Did you have to kill this guy?" I yelled at Mara after seeing the guard slumped on the floor. "He's not dead," the opossum sniffed. "My host used to be a bandit, so I know a few tricks." "[i]She pretended to be a Damsel in Distress,[/i]" the Shrub guard rustled, "[i]and konked him when he least suspected. She didn't even bother to incapacitate me; she just walked right past. How rude![/i]" "Right," I said, making a decision. "You two Scuti stay here. You are on your honor not to stray from this room or cause any additional mischief! Avogadro, I'll need you to go to the Vulpitanian thaumaturgists' quarters and delay them from completing their experiments. They should be woozy, or perhaps fully unconscious by now. Do as much sabotage as you can. Meanwile, I'll sneak into the Vulpitanian Embassy and get those replacement parts for Miss Chetsweeks." 1011avonono "Oh no, no, no," Avogadro stammered. "I humbly beg your pardon, Your Highness, but I can't meddle with the visiting SALVs' work. They are here by Royal Invitation, and I am the Grand Marshal's personal assistant!" "Okay, I'll do that, and you go to the Embassy," I countered. "Infiltrating the Embassy to steal top-secret equipment could be construed as an Act of War," the Sergeant pointed out nervously. "No, I'm sorry, I am already more involved in this than I should be. I, I, I need to return to my office. Excuse me." With that, he turned abruptly and scurried away down the hall. "Right, well I guess I'll have to do everything myself then," I muttered. "Where are my Ixies all of a sudden? No matter. I think, whether I go to the SALVs' quarters or to the Embassy, it would be best to have some sort of disguise. Alice, let me have a look at you." After a few minutes of scrutinizing the vulpine automaton, I tried transmogrifying myself into a fox. "Try again," Mara suggested. "The long hair isn't working; it doesn't look right. Either lose the hair, or maybe go as a vixen." A vixen, eh? The notion intrigued me. I would be completely unrecognizable that way! I transmogrified again. 1011vixadler "That's better," Mara affirmed. "But if it was my decision I'd have gone with something a little more curvy." "The uniform is wrong," Alice pointed out. "You need a monocle and some medals for anyone to believe you're Vulpitanian." ****************************** "Why must I try to pass for Vulpitanian?" I asked. "Estvan Silverbrush isn't Vulpitanian. Surely there are plenty of foxes not from Vulpitania." "Not in the Vulpitanian Embassy," Alice replied. "If you want access to Secure Areas then you'll need to look like you belong there." "I'm not entirely certain I need to infiltrate the Embassy," I said, thinking aloud. "It is more important to foil the visiting thaumaturgists' plot. Honestly, I think repairing you is a secondary priority. No offense." "None taken," Alice replied graciously. "However, consider this: Ambulatory, I could be of use to you. In my present condition there is little I can do." "You really should put some effort into making yourself look hotter," Mara added. "Honestly, you look prettier as your regular self than you do right now." "No way," I retorted. "I definitely do not want a bunch of randy tods groping me." "It'll happen if you stick with this plain-Jane appearance," Mara scoffed. "You need to be aggressively sexy, to overwhelm and intimidate them into doing your bidding." She had a point. I made a mental note to remind myself that Mara knew more Wiles than she let on. Without her Scuti in control, she could be dangerous. "Speaking of Jane," Alice chimed in, "I am sure you are familiar with the illustrated adventures of Jane, the Lowfolk Femme. Try to imitate her physique." I adjusted my appearance. 1019getgirly "Better," Mara murmured, eyeing me thoughtfully. "But the uniform isn't doing you any favors. Unbutton those top buttons and cinch in the waist. Yeah, like that. Now we're getting somewhere." "Turn the pants into a skirt," Alice advised. "Make it shorter. Shorter. No, shorter. Tighter. And you'll need to get rid of the royal stripes and add some Vulpitanian insignia." 1019relda I transmuted my jacket's stripes into little Vs on my sleeves, turned a manacle and padlock from the Detention Center into a monocle and a medal, respectively. Then I threw a glamer over all of it to make it seem a little more convincing under scrutiny. "Not bad," Alice approved. "You'd pass for Vulpitanian if nobody looks too close .. except with that white fur you could only be from the frozen plateau of Lengra-Cha. It's a remote and inhospitable place in the Northern reaches of Upper Vulpitania. Most of its inhabitants live elsewhere. I shall call you SALV Relda Fauxfox." "I get to be a SALV?" I asked. "Simulated Approximately Lifelike Vixen," she explained. "It was my rank in between Scuti Activated Locomobile Vehicle and Secretarial Administrative Liaison Vixen." "Now let's practice your walk," Mara suggested, a bit too gleefully. "NO WAY," I refused. "I've wasted too much time already on this disguise. I took several years of dance with Dame Chitterleigh; I know how to move gracefully. Now step aside! I have work to do. And remember, you two are to remain here." I strode out of the Detention Center and down the hall toward the exit. 1019stride "Did you see that, sir?" Avogadro blurted as I hurried past the Marshal's office. "What?" Theronmyathus croaked as he leafed through a file drawer. "A Vulpitanian agent just walked past," the Sergeant explained as he leaned out the doorway to watch me. "What a vision of loveliness! I've never seen a snow-fox before. She moves with such forceful determination! None of the delicate mincing so typical of other vixens. How is it I've never noticed her around before?" "Did you come in here to admire the scenery or to tell me something important?" Theronmyathus demanded. He pulled a sheaf of papers out of the cabinet and slapped them onto his desk. "I've got the Finking forms right here, so let's get started." 1019another I rushed out the doors of the building, to behold a small group of foxes standing just across the avenue. "Hudalaleigh!" Estvan crowed, pointing at me. "Sure and there's another one! I wonder if we stand here long enough, they'll keep coming out, each one lovelier than the last?" The three vixens looked me over and snorted contemptuously. "They're fake," the young tod remarked loudly. 1019pinch "Boris Beauregard!" Yolanda hissed, pinching the kit's ear. "That's not a nice thing to say!" "Ow! It's true," Boris protested. "It's still not nice! Now apologize to the .. um .. lady." 1019suspicion "Please," I chuckled nervously. "There is no need to apologize, and please don't punish your youngling on my account." "I do not recognize you," Ambassador Chesswick muttered, peering at me suspiciously. "I'm new," I stammered. "Just arrived. Haven't you heard of SALV Relda Fauxfox from Lengra-Cha?" "I have not," the Ambassador admitted, still peering. "Well, heh heh, that's what I am called," I chuckled. ************************************* "SALV Fauxfox, your medal is pinned to der wronk side," Ambassador Chesswick pointed out suspiciously. "It's on the right side," I retorted, with absolute truth. "FAKE," Boris yelled again, followed by a yelp as Yolanda pinched his ear. "Vhy do you schmell zo schtrongly of schkunk?" Alberta asked, sniffing. "I've had very close personal contact with Prince Adler," I hedged. "Ach, he has der impressive Viles, does he not?" the Ambassador sighed. The young vixen at her side groaned disgustedly and wrinkled her nose. "He certainly does," I replied. "Und vhat exactly vere you doink in zere, zat led you to vhat schmells like ein VERY intimate conference mit der Prince und Right Handt?" 1026sass "Don't interrogate me, SALV Chesswick!" I snapped imperiously. "My mission, which I am on for Important Reasons, is my own, not yours." "Okay, okay, fine," the Ambassador shrugged. "Headqvarters likes to keep its zecrets. Zo be it. Take ein chill pill, SALV, I vill not pry into der matter any furzer." "See that you remember that," I sniffed. The little vixen glowered at me sullenly but said nothing. 1026uphere "[i]Estvan[/i]," I thought with Elfmind. "[i]It's me, Adler. I have transmogrified myself into this vixen so as to stay incognito.[/i]" "[i]Sure, and a fine job of it you've done too, me boyo,[/i]" he replied, inspecting my disguise appreciatively. "[i]My eyes are up here, Estvan,[/i]" I reminded him. "[i]There are two things I need to do, and I don't have much time to do them. I've got to get into the Vulpitanian Embassy and fetch some spare parts for Alice Chetsweeks' mechanical body. I also have to go to the apartment where Rotnev Nidab and Nexivydah Semos are conducting their experiments, and stop them from completing their work. Can you help?[/i]" "[i]It's forbidden I am from the Embassy, by a restraining order,[/i]" Estvan explained. "[i]But sure and I wouldn't mind stoppin' in to visit Rotnev and Nexy at all, at all.[/i]" "SALV Chesswick," I said, turning to the Ambassador. "If you are going to the Embassy, I shall accompany you." 1026happyday After a short walk, we entered the Vulpitanian Embassy, where we were greeted by a trio of foxes armed with pies and a seltzer bottle. "HAPPY SAINT REYNARD'S DAY!" they yelled in unison. ******************* 1101splat Before I could react, I suddenly had a face full of rhubarb cream. I heard some snickering and a muffled "nyuck nyuck nyuck" as I pried the pie pans away and scooped pie filling out of my eyes. "A 1,000 pardons, SALV!" the tod with the seltzer bottle exclaimed apologetically. "We were totes aiming 4 teh other 2 vixens, I cant even understand Y they both hit U, Xcept maybe UR new & teh new girl always gets teh pie in teh face. Hear, let me help U get cleaned up, LOL." 1101spritz He sprayed me with a generous amount of seltzer. 1101pass "Hey. New SALV," the receptionist muttered, after the seltzer fox went "nyuck"ing down the corridor. "The Marshal is ready for you. Take this pass and go on up." I took the slip of paper she held out to me. "Do I know you?" I asked. "You look strangely familiar." "I doubt it," she sighed. "The Marshal does not like to be kept waiting." I stepped through the double doors on the other side of the room, and looked around. The stairs that used to be here were not here ... then I remembered that the old Embassy had exploded when I was there on that First Day of Winter so many years ago, and this was therefore a new building. I wandered down a hallway and turned left at an intersection. After going through two empty anterooms and a small meeting hall, I was lost. The entire Embassy seemed deserted. All the foxes must have been off celebrating Saint Reynard's day somewhere. I stumbled past a set of unoccupied carrels and rounded a corner to come face-to-face with an elaborate carved shrine. "BLESSINGS OF SAINT REYNARD," the plaque at the bottom stated. "SMELL MY FLOWER FOR LUCK." 1101squirt I leaned in for a closer look at the carved flower on the icon's lapel, and it squirted me. "Believe you fell for that, I cannot," a raspy voice murmured behind me. 1101sandmonk I turned to behold a short, stocky, sand-colored fox in a brown robe. He gazed at me with an enigmatic yet baleful expression. "Back in Lengra-Cha, how are things?" he asked. ********************************** 1107patriot [b]4 TEH REPUBLIC!!!1!!!!![/b] Teh Young Monocled Patriot is ready 2 serve! 1107lolpies St. Reynards Day falls on whenever we feel liek selabrating teh aniversity of sum kind of event N teh life of St. Reynard, I guess his Assumption or his Last Buffet or whut-evar. Anyways, hes liek totes teh Patron Saint of Vulpitania. VULPITANIA VINCIT YALL!!! LIEK 4 REALZ LOL!1 Teh seltzer & piez R teh TOTALY HOLLY SACRAMINTS of R semi anual festival. Liek teh St. sez in teh [u]Foxspell According 2 St. Reynard[/u]: [i]Sure and this is me pie, flung for thee. Do this as often as ye hurl it, in remembrance of these, me mighty japes. Begorrah, this is me seltzer, spritzed for thee for the removal of filling an' crumbs. Do this as often as ye pie-fight, in the interest of hygiene.[/i] Its liek a totes ancient tradition & so 4th that piez can has different meaningz. Throw a soft cream pie 4 love, a gooey chess pie 4 teh LOLZ, & a sticky merengue 4 pure H8. ------------------------- I cringed, expecting the robed fox to throw a pie or squirt me with seltzer, but he simply stared expectantly at me. After an awkward pause, I finally decided to answer his question. "It's about the same as always, I guess," I hazarded. "Not been there in a while, have you?" he asked. "Not in a long time," I admitted, truthfully. "Live in Lengra-Cha, most Lengra-Cha residents do not," he observed stoically. "Soft they are. Backbone and Persockity Vitality they lack! Stand the cold they cannot!" "I notice you're not there either," I pointed out. "What can I say?" he shrugged. "Sucks, Lengra-Cha does. Cold and boring it is. Besides, Emissary of Funtimes I have been appointed. A great burden this is, but at least out of Lengra-Cha it gets me." "Whatever works for you," I acknowledged. "Remind me exactly what an Emissary of Funtimes' duties are?" "Know you not?" he looked at me thoughtfully for a moment. "This question answer: Does a butterfly Reynard Nature have?" I thought about this for a second. Aside from the specific reference to Reynard, this sounded like a Gnostermonger riddle. I didn't know a lot about their philosophy but I had read a little bit about it. I took a chance and postulated: "All things are ham, and Saint Reynard partakes of ham, therefore all things partake of Reynard nature." 1107allisreynard "Clever you are," the Emissary smiled at me. "Get better acquainted, we must. Adoyret Sam I am. Just Sam you may call me." "I am called Relda Fauxfox," I grinned nervously, hoping he wouldn't see through my disguise. "SALV you forgot to mention," Sam pointed out suavely. "Formal titles, in disdain we both seem to hold." 1107kersplat Suddenly there was a cry of "HAPPY SAINT REYNARD'S DAY!" in the background. Sam ducked calmly to the side, and a key lime pie whizzed past his head - splattering right in my face. "Seen that coming, you should have," Sam chided me. 1107thathonk While I scooped pie filling out of my eyes, Sam pricked his ears at a sound .. something vaguely like geese honking somewhere in the Embassy, a few rooms away. "Now serious things are getting," Sam muttered ominously, clutching the large strand of beads slung around his shoulder. "Adjourn somewhere safe, we should." ---------------- 1107itchy "Ach du lieber," SALV Chesswick complained. "Zose confounded SALVs haff dusted mine schpare uniform mit der Itchink Powder!" "Oh Auntie," SALV Silverbrush sighed. ********************************* "To my sanctuary shrine!" Sam exclaimed. "Permitted there, japes and hijinks are not." Nimbly dodging pies and water balloons, he led the way through the winding paths of the Embassy. The strange honking sounds continued, but seemed to recede into the distance. We took a detour around a large conference room in which a simultaneous pie fight and pillow fight were taking place. "How does this Embassy ever manage to get anything done?" I asked, over a cacophonous din of splats and gekkering. "Fresh from the provinces are you?" Sam rejoindered. "Getting things done, our purpose is not. If it were, then overthrown already the Empire would be. Distract them with silliness we must, while for The Plan's fruition we wait. Ah! Arrived we have!" He opened a door and gestured urgently for me to enter. I did, and he quickly followed - shutting and locking the door behind him. "Hey now, just what exactly -" I began nervously. 1116meditate Sam walked past me and sat down on the floor in front of a plate which held what appeared to be a pair of unnaturally colored eggs and a succulent slice of juicy ham. The room was eerily silent, and the air was filled with a delicious aroma. "Like them, would you, on a coach?" Sam chanted monotonously, with his eyes closed. "Like them, would you, boiled or poached?" "I do not like them, Adoyret Sam," I replied. "If ham all things are," he intoned, smiling, with his eyes still closed, "then from where come the eggs?" ---------------------- Meanwhile, SALV Chesswick itched & wriggled her way to the vixens' bath, where she slipped out of her uniforms and into a soothing pool of warm water. SALV Silverbrush sat on the edge of the pool and read from the [u]Foxspell[/u] in honor of Saint Reynard's day. [i]"Verily I say unto thee, Hudalaleigh; for thou art like unto a foul Tailipo, drunk upon the blood of its slave, himself drunk upon finest Elfhamian brandy. Sure and thou wilt be plucked asunder from the warm bum thou so cozily inhabitest, and wilt be cast -"[/i] 1116upsetting Sofia Silverbrush paused in her reading as a clamor of honking echoed through the hallway outside the bath. "Fuma in Himmel!" SALV Chesswick murmured. "Zey haff sent in der Klowns!" ------------------ Suddenly the door burst open, and a ridiculously dressed fox barged in. He wore a polka-dot shirt and striped pants with suspenders. On his feet were a pair of absurdly oversized floppy shoes. He had a strange red ball stuck over his nose, and a bizarrely tiny hat perched atop his head. In his right hand he held a squeezebulb horn, which he honked imperiously. "Sam the Just!" the intruder barked. "Why do you detain the Marshal's flooz-" 1116whap Without opening his eyes - nor even seeming to move - Sam whipped the strand of beads off his shoulder. The beads struck the bizarrely-dressed fox's head with a loud wooden CLACK, and he fell senseless to the floor. "Told these Klowns not to disturb me here, I have," Sam grumbled. "Tolerate japes and hijinks, I will not." "How did you ever get to be appointed Emissary of Funtimes?" I asked, agog. "A long story it is," Sam sighed. "To summarize: Part of The Plan it was. Speaking of which .." He stood, picked up the plate, and turned away from me. While he rustled mysteriously in the corner of the room, I looked worriedly at the unconscious Klown. 1116foxbox "I think that guy might be seriously hurt," I opined. "Never anything serious they do," Sam scoffed. "Fine in the morning he will be. Now here - for you this is." He held out a small paperboard container similar to the ones used by sidewalk food vendors. "I would not like them in a box," I insisted, flinching away uneasily. "I would not like them with a fox." "Definitely the one you are," Sam said with a grin, holding the box out for me to take. "Alice Chetsweeks' discombobulator array this is. The Plan dictates that take it you must. Now hurry you must, for soon more Klowns coming will be!" ***************************** 1121uhoh "Uh-oh, Auntie," SALV Silverbrush exclaimed as she lifted her foot out of the water. "Looks like teh bath has been tampered with!" Ambassador Chesswick's monocle dropped into the pool with a tiny splash. --------------------------------- As I tucked the box into my Elfintory and made ready to leave, a strange impulse came over me. "How high is a roebuck?" I asked. 1121feondes Sam merely chuckled and pointed to the wall behind him, upon which was tacked a large poster I hadn't noticed earlier. Across the top in bold letters it read "THE ENEMIES." Below this legend was a very unkind caricature of my great-uncle Roland, and standing in front of him, a roebuck who looked vaguely familiar but whom I could not quite recognize. "That the one you are, now sure I am," Sam smiled. "Together the Plan comes. Vulpitania vincit." "Uh, Vulpitania vincit," I responded. 1121fly Suddenly a pair of Klowns barged in. "Sam the Just!" one of the Klowns exclaimed. "You are under strong suspicion of misappropriation of the Republic's resources, namely hindering a floozie from her appointed duties for your own nefarious purposes! How do you answer?" "Hold them here, I will," Sam declared to me as he turned toward the Klowns and pulled the strand of beads off his shoulder. "SALV Fauxfox, fly you must! Fly!" "Thank you, Adoyret Sam!" I exclaimed as I leaped away from the Klowns and dashed for the door. "I won't forget this! Perhaps someday we will meet again, and discuss the mystic mysteries of Lengra-Cha!" 1121evasive I grabbed a ridiculous hat from an unconscious reveler, and placed it on my head in an effort to blend in with the crowds of rowdy foxes running around the Embassy. I raced away from the sound of honking horns. Dame Chitterleigh's dance lessons bore their full fruit as I imagined a minuet in my mind and entered a musical trance. I twisted and dodged and leaped, nimbly avoiding pies and seltzer. I was poised, I was graceful, I was unstoppable. I was a radiant white-furred vision, a veritable Pie Fight Valkyrie from the far North. I spotted an exit at the end of a corridor, and made a beeline toward it. 1121gotcha Two Klowns appeared, seemingly from nowhere, and grabbed my arms. "Embassy's locked down for Saint Reynard's, sister," one of them said. "Ain't no foxes allowed in or out til morning. I see you got an Escapist badge; well it won't do you no good this time. We gotcha now." "Yeah," the other one said, around a stubby piece of sausage which he held clenched in his teeth. "Where you goin' in such a hurry anyway? Don't you know you're late for your date with the Marshal, Sweetcheeks? We been lookin' for you for over an hour." "The Marshal's a very impatient tod," the first Klown explained. "Now come along." They strong-armed me back down the corridor and up some stairs, around numerous corners to a pair of heavy doors, which they opened and shoved me through. I could hear the doors shut and lock behind me as I regained my equilibrium and looked around. I was in a long office, lushly carpeted, with Vulpitanian banners handing on the walls. At the far end of the room, in front of a tall window, was a massive desk with a monocled fox sitting behind it. "You may approach me, Sweetcheeks," he said. 1121sweetcheex "Hubba hubba!" he added, as I advanced. "What a remarkable exotic Lengra-Cha specimen you are! Such poise! Such grace! What a radiant white-furred vision! That glorious snowy pelt, unsullied by seltzer or pie filling! Why, you must be a veritable Pie Fight Valkyrie from the mystic North. Come, sit down here," he patted the desktop in front of him, "and celebrate Saint Reynard's Day with me, Sweetcheeks." ***************************** In the vixens' bath: "Ach, I haff dropped mine monocle," SALV Chesswick lamented. "Don't dive 4 it, Auntie," SALV Silverbrush advised. "Open der tub drain, liebchen," SALV Chesswick instructed. SALV Silverbrush got up and operated a lever on the wall, after which the water began to drain slowly from the tub. "Und now if you vould be zo kind as to fetch your Auntie zum Fur Restorer," the Ambassador requested, as she carefully clambered out of the gradually emptying tub. SALV Silverbrush handed her a bottle, which she opened and began to smear the contents liberally over the depilated portion of her body. 1128floof "Ach du lieber," SALV Chesswick exclaimed, as an overabundance of new fur erupted from the treated area. "Oh, Auntie, SRSLY," SALV Silverbrush sighed. ------------------------------- I realized I was going to have to be extremely careful. I was trapped in an important official's office, in the heart of the Vulpitanian Embassy. There were probably scrying devices hidden everywhere. I had no idea who might be listening in. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to try out the full extent of my Wiles training, so I sashayed slowly toward the Marshal's desk, putting a little extra sway into my hips. "You remind me of a vixen I used to work with back in my early career, when I, Sweetcheeks, was a Scrycast Announcer, Loud & Vapid," the Marshal reminisced. "Did you ever hear me, Sweetcheeks, on 'Gekkers For Brekkers'?" "I don't recall ever listening to it," I shrugged. "Poor reception up there in Lengra-Cha, I suppose," the Marshal shrugged. "Of course, after that horrible roebuck sabotaged our biggest scry-cast tower, there was a shakeup in the DMV, and subsequently no market for programs like 'Gekkers For Brekkers.' But I, Sweetcheeks, am a tod not to be denied! I entered the Diplomatic Service, where I, Sweetcheeks, clawed my way to my present exalted position. Often literally." He held up one hand and flexed his fingers roguishly, showing off his claws. "I, Sweetcheeks, plucked my monocle from the face of my predecessor," he added, with a smug grin. 1128thewiles "That's quite a story, sir," I purred throatily as I perched on the edge of his desk. "Did you bring me up here just to tell me about your past, or did you have something a little more [i] present-tense[/i] in mind?" "Homina," the Marshal mumbled as he eyed me hungrily. He slithered out of his chair and shuffled on his knees toward me. 1128kick When he was within range to start reaching for me, I kicked him in the face. He fell to the floor with a muffled thud. I knelt over him and started to rifle through his Elfintory, in the off chance that there might be something of use to me in there. 1128frisk Before I could find anything, the door to the office burst open, spilling a bunch of semi-consious Klowns onto the floor. "SALV Fauxfox!" Adoyret Sam shouted, as he lashed Klowns left & right with his beads. "Up the jig is! Raised has been the alarm! Fly, you must! FLY!!" 1128buzzoff Taking the Adoyret's hint, I transmogrified into an Ixie. *********************************** 1206klownsquad Within seconds, Adoyret Sam was engulfed in a pile of Klowns, which then parted to allow a trio of stern-looking agents to enter. Their leader rode a bizarre one-wheeled contraption and waved a butterfly net as he issued orders to his squad. "All right, you mugs!" he snarled. "Spread out! We've got a magick-using infiltrator in here, possibly armed with Lengra-Cha Gnostermongery tricks. Consider her armed and dangerous. She has already subdued Marshal Sweetcheeks and she has turned herself into an Ixie, so keep your eyes peeled." 1206tubes The new Klowns looked formidable, so instead of trying to get past them, I flitted into one of several speaking tubes which were arranged behind the Marshal's desk. 1206storeroom After numerous twists and turns, I emerged in a dimly lit storeroom. A fox with a pipe sat on a crate near the end of the tube. He flinched with surprise and nearly dropped his match as I zipped out right in front of him. "Good gracious, LOL," he exclaimed. "U startled me! Is it time allready?? I thot I'd have a moment 2 chill 1st." I didn't bother to respond, but flew directly towards a small vent window which I spotted high on the opposite wall. I emerged next to the ground, behind some shrubs at a corner of the building. By now it was dark out, and it took me a few seconds to get my bearings. Once I figured out where I was, I made a beeline towards GHQ, ignoring the riotous honking, crackling, whistling, booming, and flickering lights coming from the Embassy behind me. At the GHQ building, I flew into the fresh-air vent of the South garderobe, down the hall, around the corner, down the stairs, and into the Detention Center, where I promptly transmogrified back into my proper form. 1206whatsfunny Mara and Alice were still sitting snuggled together on the floor where I had left them. I pulled Sam's box out of my Elfintory. "I have the Discombobulator Array here," I explained. "Now there's no time to lose. We've got to get you operational as soon as possible. Where's the manual? What's so funny?" ******************************* 1215hmmph It didn't take me long to realize what the femmes were snickering about. I had transmogrified back into my proper form, but was still dressed as Relda Fauxfox! "It's nothing to laugh at," I indignantly insisted. "Kilts are in fact a quite manly fashion statement." "Perhaps among the Grey Horde wolves," Alice tittered. "But you really don't have the physique for it." The very nerve! I recalled that Meadow Grainmaster seemed to like me in a kilt, back when we returned from our mission in the lowfolk world; however, to stop these two Scuti from mocking me further, I modified my uniform back to its normal state. I carefully stowed the manacle/monocle and the padlock medal in my Elfintory, on the chance that they might be useful later. "Right," I continued. "Enough jollity at my expense. I've got the necessary part. Where's the manual?" "Didn't you put it in your Elfintory?" Mara asked. "No, I'm sure I left it here." "Well, I don't have it. Do you have it, Alice?" We all searched our Elfintories and looked around the chamber, but couldn't find the manual anywhere. "That book was loaned from the office of Glencoe Redbough," I groaned. "I don't know how we can replace it." "There may be no need," Alice reassured me. "If it is Redbough's own copy, it probably has a geas on it which will cause it to pook back into his archive if it sits unused for a certain length of time. A wise precaution, since Vulpitanians have a habit of misplacing documents in their possession." "I was only gone for a few hours!" I objected. "That's far too short a recall time! Now I'm going to have to wait til morning, because I doubt Redbough's office is open right now. We can't afford these delays! The sleeping spell will wear off the visiting SALVs soon, before I've even had a chance to check in on them. Can I trust Estvan Silverbrush to have sufficiently sabotaged their work?" "Hmm, probably not," Alice mused. "But don't worry, Your Highness. Between Mara and myself, we probably know enough about this body to effect a repair without the manual. Let's just take a look at the spare Discombobulator, examine its connections, and then .. if you open this hatch .. see where the old one is, and how it's hooked up .. you should just be able to swap in the new one .." 1215whoah About forty minutes later, we had the new Discombobulator installed, and Alice was on her feet. "Woah," she said, tottering and waving her arms. "I think it needs some calibration adjustments. Maybe it'll settle in after a while .. if not, I can get Redbough to fine-tune it later. The important thing for now is, I'm ambulatory - so let's get going." We proceeded into the hallway, with Alice clutching Mara's arm for support. "Our discussion in there is to be kept confidential," I informed the Shrub Knight guarding the door of the Detention Center. "[i]Who would I tell?[/i]" it rustled. "I dunno .. him maybe, when he comes to?" I theorized, pointing to the still-unconscious guard on the other side of the door. "He's been out for a long time. Mara, what exactly did you do to him?" "I made sure he'd be out for as long as we needed," the possum explained with a shrug. "[i]He doesn't speak The Voice of the Forest anyway,[/i]" the Shrub rustled sadly. "Good, because I don't want you to tell him what happened here," I clarified. "Now come on, ladies, we must make haste." 1215panic Outside, the streets were full of foxes rushing pell-mell in all directions. Many were carrying buckets. "This way!" they shouted to each other. "Teh East wing is still smoldering! Be on teh lookout 4 a traitorous Lengra-Cha vixen! Shes white with a tall hat & a impressive rack! I herd she has a Escapist medal & shape shifting magick! Coud this bee a opening volley of teh Coming of Winter? U know how close Lengra-Cha is 2 U-No-Who. No, who? TEH KRINGLE U dum dum! AAAGH!!!1! NO WAYE!! We gotta find teh traitor & spank her silly 4 this!" "I am not really Vulpitanian," Alice commented quietly, "but I have lived among them so long, I feel almost a twinge of sympathy for my erstwhile countrymen." "Just keep moving, calmly and quietly, toward our destination," I suggested. When we arrived outside the SALVs' quarters, Alice stopped. "I am in a bit of a quandary," she explained. "Going in there would place me in a precarious situation regarding my request for asylum from the Republic." "You're already with me on this," I pointed out. "It's a political hot potato," she insisted. "I mustn't go inside and meddle directly with Nidab & Semos's research. Mara and I will wait out here and keep watch." There was something about this I didn't like, but I had no time to argue. I went inside and climbed the stairs to the SALVs' rooms on the second floor of the building. 1215sleepysalvs Rotnev and Nexivydah were still uncsoncious, stretched out on the floor, with their hands in a bowl of lukewarm water. This looked like Estvan's handiwork all right, but where was he? ---------------------------------------------- 1215dreamy "These are serious allegations," Theronmyathus croaked, looking over the papers and checking them for errors. "Are you prepared to present this testimony before the King and his Ministers, implicating Prince Adler in activities just short of Treason?" "Huh?" Avogadro replied. "Oh, er, yes sir. The Prince is a nice guy, but the good of the Empire comes first. Shouldn't we, though, um .. garner the support of a Vulpitanian delegation first though? Since after all, they are also concerned in this conspiracy.." ******************************* 1223medals The Young Monocled Patriot explains: "Loyal citizens of teh Republic get awards 4 unlocking all kinds of Achievements in Vulpitanian society. Theres meddles an theres ribbons. I got this ribbon 4 joining teh Youth Brigade. Most Vulpitanians have this & dont wear it B/C its liek so common, wutevr, but its my 1st 1 so Ima sport it with pride. VULPITANIA VINCIT 4 EVAR U GUYS!!!1!! But srsly, as U progress thru life as a Vulpitanian, U get meddles 4 all kinds of stuff. Theres a Seltzer Marksmanship award I have my eye on. Theres a 1-up meddle U get 4 collecting all teh mushrooms in teh forest, & theres even a meddle for having lots of meddles! Higher ranks get a fancy sash to pin them on, but most folx wear em on their jacket. Its all about fun & recognition by you're peers." -------------------------------- 1223notwater I noticed that the surface of the water was flickering with a pale light, so I crouched down to investigate. A strong whiff of a strange pickle-like odor persuaded me that the liquid in the bowl was not actually water. As I peered into it, I could see ripples of phosphorescence flickering out from the hands of the two foxes. Where the ripples met, they coalesced into images. It looked like tiny replicas of Rotnev and Nexivydah; they were dancing amid a flock of flying .. herring? Perhaps this was a magickal projection of a dream they were sharing. Had Estvan done this? If so, where was he now? I pondered using Elfmind on the sleeping SALVs, but I wasn't sure about intruding on the dreams of a sleeping elf - especially one in an enchanted sleep. According to some of the lore I had read, there was a risk of becoming caught in the dream and falling asleep along with one's victim. There were supposed to be ways to defend against this, as well as methods for making people forget information, but I was not familiar with the technique. It certainly would have been handy to have met Estvan here, but I saw no sign of him. 1223alchemy I was feeling pressed for time, so I got up and hurried into the next room, where the SALVs had set up their alchemical and thaumaturgical equipment. I stopped, bewildered, in front of a table where some sort of condensing apparatus had been set up, next to a rack full of gross-looking things in jars. I wanted to disrupt whatever process was underway here, but without knowing exactly what it was, there could be risks of explosion, or meltdown, or poisonous gas .. I had no idea what might happen if the wrong things came into contact with each other. If only I had some technical data on these experiments! But even if I did find the foxes' research notes, did I really have time to study them? I looked around and spotted, propped in the corner, a tablet with the name of the Old Crow carved on it. Why was this here? Maybe it was a clue. ------------------------ 1223furball On their way to the Palace to deliver Avogadro's deposition, the Sergeant and Marshal Theronmyathus passed a duo of Vulpitanians pushing an enormous ball of orange fur down the sidewalk, as a small young vixen in galoshes barked orders at them. "It looks like the Vulpitanians are mobilizing for Winter," Avogadro speculated. "Completely the wrong time of the year for Winter," Theronmyathus croaked. "It is wise to discount rumors spread by panicking foxes in the night." "Then what's the giant furball for?" Avogadro wondered. "Was it .. could it have been .. gekkering?" "That's highly improbable," the Marshal retorted. "If you can't keep your mind on the task at hand, then perhaps you should return to GHQ." "No sir, I'm fine. Though I still think we should establish contact at the Embassy and get their support on this." "The Vulpitanian Embassy, as you saw, is a damp and smoldering shambles right now. If we are to act promptly on this information, then perforce we must act alone." The pair entered the Palace and made their way toward the Royal Chambers, where they were met by Secretary Dodie O'Doe. "Urgent communique for His Majesty the King," Theronmyathus rasped. "I'm afraid the King is in bed right now," Dodie replied. "As his duly appointed Minister, I will take the message on his behalf." 1223handitover "That won't be necessary, Secretary," Queen Edessa interrupted as she suddenly swooped around a corner. "I will take the message." "Not in bed with the King?" Secretary O'Doe blurted. "Indeed not," Edessa replied icily. "Your Majesty need not trouble herself," Dodie gently insisted. "This is what we have Cabinet Ministers for, to deal with trifles such as this. I'm sure it is a trivial matter, quite beneath Her Majesty's notice." "It is a matter of great import," Theronmyathus corrected. "Urgently requiring the attention of the highest authority in the realm." "With my husband indisposed, I am the highest ranking authority," Edessa pointed out. "Hand it over." She took the scroll out of its tube, unrolled it, and read it. "What's going on?" Minister Lana Lynne asked as she entered through a nearby door. "The Queen is reviewing an urgent security report delivered by the Grand Marshal," Dodie whispered. 1223arresthim "This is an extremely serious matter indeed!" Edessa declared as she finished reading the document. "I want Prince Adler taken and placed in custody immediately!" "As you command," Theronmyathus croaked, with a crisp salute. **************************************** I cautiously sniffed the fumes coming out of the top of the condensing apparatus. It smelled rather spiritous. Were the foxes distilling liquor? Was this setup even related to their fertility project? There seemed to be no way to know. I briefly considered tipping the table over onto the floor, but the thought of unknown - possibly volatile and/or disgusting - substances splashing all over the room, and all over ME, dissuaded me from this action. I decided that my best sabotage option would be to rearrange the jars on the shelves, possibly changing their labels. A closer inspection revealed that none of the containers were labeled; I was going to have to do something to spoil their contents. I hesitantly unlatched the lid of a jar containing what were either pickled onions or pickled eyeballs, and used a nearby pair of tongs to pick one out. I still couldn't tell what it was, so I dropped it into an empty beaker and examined another jar containing .. a pickled mer-elf embryo? I turned the container upside-down on the shelf and undid the clasp, so the contents would gush out the next time anyone picked it up. 1230youngscuti I used an empty flask and a funnel to transfer several powders from their proper containers into different ones .. and then .. behind a row of test tubes with milky sluglike things in the bottom of them, I found a jar containing what looked like a small Scuti all coiled up inside. I held up the jar and examined it closely. The creature inside glared at me sullenly. It was alive! I quickly set it down and walked to the window for a breath of air. 1230gesticulate I noticed Meadow jumping up and down and waving her arms on the parapet of the building across the way. I was going to have to have words with her about giving away her position at the debriefing afterward. Turning from the window and scanning the room from a fresh vantage point, I noticed an ornately carved tablet propped against the wall. I picked it up and examined it. The surface bore the words "THE OLD CROW" in large letters. I stood there looking at it, inspecting it for magickal traces, trying desperately to understand what the Old Crow could possibly have to do with the Vulpitanians' bogus fertility scheme. If only there were some research notes somewhere! But this tablet contained the only writing I had seen anywhere in this room. 1230whodat "Sire," an Ixie whispered right behind me. "I thought I might find thee here." I flinched and dropped the tablet, which shattered as if it were made of crockery rather than stone. "Rhubarb," Rotnev muttered drowsily from the other chamber.